Hello, hello!
Never thought I'd come back to this page and actually write and publish a post out in the attic (last post was in 2017?!). There wasn't a particular event that made me want to pen down my reflections but more of a culmination of events, some inspiring people I've met and the conversations had, over the past few weeks. Just to set the context right, I had just come back from a 3-week long vacation, and about a total of 4.5 weeks off work. And also just attended two separate weddings of two of my good friends so all the lovey dovey vibes had got me pondering on some life questions ha!
Not too long ago, I received the long-awaited news about my permanent residency in Australia. The first thing I wanted to do was to book myself a holiday, and hopefully visit my family as it will be my first time travelling out of Australia's border in this post-pandemic era! And also I have banked up quite a couple hundreds of hours of paid leave, so why not take some time off work. Before I even get to the planning part of this holiday, I found out about a shocking news that I had to potentially cancel my trip and regroup my life. More on this later.
I spent a lot of time being alone so travelling solo is no big deal for me. I went back to familiar cities, and new ones I never thought I'd visit at this point of my life. Seeing my family was a big part of this healing journey that I now have to undertake. And reconnecting with old friends and a mentor who always leave me pondering on a lot of questions (in a good way!). The truth behind being alone and feeling comfortable about it is.. I struggle with interpersonal relationships. I have always struggled to make deep connections with friends, and more so with new people I meet. I remember being really shy as a child and well into my teenage years, and I thought surely this shyness would have outgrown by now! But.. I'm well ripen (haha) now and I think I still lack social skills and just don't like to be around people all the time.
Having attended two weddings back-to-back just yesterday got me thinking how special it is for someone to find their soulmate and spend the rest of their lives together with. I am amazed at seeing how love between two people can blossom into something so beautiful but at the same time, this whole soulmate thing still feels too foreign to me (apart from having little to no dating experience lol) as you know I really struggle with any kind of human connection. Is it introversion? Maybe trust issues? Or just dislike people in general? I guess I have to make an appointment with a psychologist to unpack all these soon.
I want to touch on briefly about this "healing" process that I mentioned earlier. In the few weeks leading up to this holiday, I made the painful decision to walk away from a toxic friendship. Things got a little bit complicated when this "friend", Mark, was also an equal partner in the rentals we were sharing. Not going into great details about the specific events or things that he did as this purpose of this post is not about backstabbing him, butttttt if you are really curious, we can sit down over coffee and I can tell you all about it ha ha! But in all seriousness, this is the first time I actually feel like I'm not the one to blame, for once. This is a huge realisation given how my imposter syndrome takes hold of me most of the days, and it typically sounds like "was it something I didnt do, or if I did and haven't done enough".
We met via a mutual friend in 2020 (peak COVID!) and later became housemates in 2022. It was a year when I felt I am finally getting out of share-house drama after so many years of budget renting. We share a lot of things in common - interests, lifestyle habits, likes/dislikes, and even socialise most days with the same group of people (also thanks to our mutual friend, R). We spent a fair few important occasions hosting some epic dinner parties together. We don't see each other every day (conflicting schedules, personal commitments etc), but we do spend a lot of quality time as friends whether we're home, hanging out at our local coffee shop, going on grocery shopping or dining adventures. And to me, this was a huge encouragement for me that maybe.. I can foster long-term friendships too!
But 2023 came along and red flags begin to show. I buried those red flags deep down as fast as I could because I thought these were just false alarms. I intervened whenever I sensed troubles brewing, particularly issues relating to the rentals, only to get shut off by false reassurance and manipulative lies.
Yes, this person did not break the law, he didnt murder anyone, I know, I know. (Although someone did point out to me that what he did to other people could be fraud/scam crime? I don't know). What he did was morally unacceptable to me, and in my perspective, I felt violated after knowing this person has been manipulating and fabricating lies after lies, and turned out to be most twisted con-man I know. It was almost offensive hearing how he justified his actions by telling yet another lie, showing zero remorse of the trauma he's caused me, and the fact that I did not even make it to his list of "important friends" after all the good things that we've been through together! Truly a smack in disbelief.
This holiday couldnt come at the worst possible timing. It was as if I have to put a halt on everything that's been happening all at once. Yes, I know no holidays are ever wasted, but I felt like I couldn't immerse myself fully during the trip because my mind was just constantly pre-occupied with all these negative energy, and how to navigate this change moving forward.
Like I said, walking away was a tough but necessary thing to do for me. Initially, I thought I was being generous by sweeping everything under the carpet but I realised I could put a stop to this vicious cycle of enabling him to continue to do more harm to others and more importantly, to hopefully help him see how much trauma he's caused to not just me, but people around him who loves him dearly but unfortunately would now have to let go too. [I was dissecting this behaviour with a mentor of mine during my travels and she blatantly said he won't ever realise how I'm secretly teaching him a life lesson because his mind is probably pre-occupied with choosing his next victim lol].
Many months have now past. Have I moved on? Yes, and no. Some days, all the emotions hit me all at once. Lots of sadness, but mostly anger and resentment. There's some legal issues going on so in a way, I can't fully "walk away". I am still trying to recover from the financial loss in many different ways. My confidence has taken a big dip and my trust issues are at an all-time high. I don't know how many times have I gone through the 5 stages of grief but I know it might take a while for me to heal from this.
There are a fair few people to be thankful for, despite all these. People who were there in the thick of it, people who found out what happened and offered their support - financially, emotionally, and physically. I'm sure in many years to come, I'd be able to take more away from this important lesson in hindsight.
